IELTS - 22

The Story of IELTS

Prelude Not necessary in the first place
29th April, 2006, a warm summer saturday morning, I woke up at my uncle's place where I had come the night before, for the english test the next day. I was a little nervous about the test, and for having not prepared.

I go to the test center, which is a posh hotel and stand in the line for registration, when my turn comes i am informed that i should be carrying with me a print of the email confirmation of the test date, which i dont have. There is still time, so i rush out, hop in an autorickshaw and dash into the nearest cyber-cafe which has a printer, get the printout, and rush back.

The rest of the test is very uneventful and in a few days i get the test report.

IELTS stands for International English Language Testing System, which is an exam for english language, a requirement for applying to universities for a course and a visa in english-speaking countries. The test has 4 modules: listening, reading, writing and speaking, and you get a score which is called a 'band' for no particular reason, which indicates that how good you are in the english language.

My score was 7.5, 8.5, 9 and 8 respectively with the overall score 8.5, which is out of 9, so it was damn good. Its been confirmed that having studied in the english language through out school, high school and engineering college has made me fluent in all uses of the language. My application was good to go.


Chapter 1 Again?!
Four years pass. I havent used the score I got at that time, because i didnt go to any english-speaking country for a course. Now i am considering for going for a higher research degree and IELTS is on the horizon again.

Why again? I cant figure out, but the reason they give is ('research has shown that') the english score can change over a period of time, so it is necessary to give the test again after 2 years, and they have made it official because the score 'expires' after 2 years.

Why i cant figure it out is because 1. everything changes, IQ changes, life principles change, and test results also change, obviously. But by how much? I dont see any reason for them to change unless 1. i live in a jungle where i have no use of the english language, 2. i study or work in a different language, 3. i study or work in a non-english country, 4. despite of the internet and blogging and twitter, i am not interested in using english for accessing technological services and gadgets.

2. my giving the test should be a pain for the examination system, i have to be given a test date, seat number, the question paper, my answer sheets need to be sent to the competent authorities for processing, etc etc. It is in their best interest for me to be given a short-reassessment test preferably online or on the phone, to check for the score deviation. (which if the 4 points in point 1 are negative, shouldn't change considerably.

3. i have applied for a higher research degree. which means i can very well converse with researchers who have written research papers, and they think i might be able to make an original contribution in my research area, write a thesis to get a doctorate degree and might also be presenting papers at conferences with awesome researchers in the audience. The test-taking authorities may want to consider cases like mine which are outliers in the horde of applications by students going 'abroad' for a 'better life.'

So I register for the test, pay a pot of money and wait for the test date. Dear reader, kindly notice my unwillingness at the whole affair at this moment.


Chapter 2 Reluctance Redux
I mark my mobile-phone calendar with alarms to fire off two days before to not forget about the test. And sure enough, i was happy to have done that and tried to 'study' for the test the day before, just to familiarize myself with the process of the test.

I start with the practice listening tests, and after 80 correct answers i toss it away. The reading tests are similarly completed. Writing and speaking need to practice, and i was good to go for the test the next day, thinking any score below 9 in any criteria would scar me good.

It occurs to me then, although not very crystallized in terms of words and feelings, that the testing system is a bit of a fart. I mean, the listening tests are like wiping your arse with silk. Which means, that it a waste of good silk. The actors are so careful with speaking, the rules are so carefully and precisely mentioned, the tone and tempo is so perfect, its the language testing system at a dead end.

20th November, 2010, another fine saturday morning, i wake with a mild hangover and kill time till midday. After another uneventful test and a few hours i walk out and catch the latest harry potter movie, which is more or less the same as any other harry potter movie.

It occurs to me then, and again not very crystallized in terms of words and feelings, that the testing system is really a smelly fart. The exam is conducted with military discipline. People are seated, confirmed with their identities, the test begins and modules begin and end, the examining authorities walk like German soldiers among Jews. It is indeed the system at its perfection, and the dead end.

The next day, i have the speaking test. As i walk in, i find chairs nicely laid out in a small hall, with a registration table and three little rooms beyond the hall where the interview/test takes place. I am early for the test and the guy before me isnt there so i am asked if i would like to immediately sit for the test (about fifteen minutes before my said time), i say ya sure, happy to get it done with early. The registration authority confirms if i am 'really ready' for it before my time.

I am shown to the small room, i sit down and the test starts. The examiner is new to this, very nervous, particularly after finding out that i have given this test before, and soon enough, i am driving the test itself, completing his questions and talking like Steve Jobs on stage unveiling the revolutionary breakthrough iSomething product.

I made a note of my thoughts after the test: (verbatim from my daily notebook)

1. well.. that was a waste of time
2. did well, not so bad, intimidated the examiner a little bit, one or two eye-to-eye lockdowns where i sadly note now: he buckled.
3. was taken in early and finished at the time the test was supposed to start
4. topics discussed: 1. shopping, 2. academics (changes and inflation), 3. My friend and batchmate Divesh and his multitouch table, 4. nothing else i can remember right now
I am here at the cafe coffee day, CG Road now, kids around, annoying little kids, Kenny G playing is saxophone very passionately out of the speakers, all around everything is so sad, but we are doing the best we can. And there are no rules, as such, or let me rephrase, 'the rules you thought govern life are no longer true as you grow up, but there are different rules', well what not? Go home, play grand theft auto or crysis (for the nth time) [reason simply being] its a nice game.

It occurs to me then, and again not very crystallized in terms of words and feelings, that the testing system is a very smelly fart indeed. The examiner wasnt really interested in my answers, he was switching topics so often, breaking the flow, which is annoying, and speaking rehearsed phrases. I've learnt as a researcher how to keep the accessing points muted and let the other guy really talk, maybe the examining authorities should look into that.

Chapter 3 The Test Results
I get an emotionless SMS on my mobile phone, test results: 8.5, 7, 7, 7.5 (listening, reading, writing, speaking); overall score 7.5

I am in the IBM research lab in Delhi, the walls shatter and a black hole opens up in the sky and sucks me in. I read the sms again, and it says this is indicative and the scores in the TRF (test report form) will be final. I assure myself there has been some mistake and the scores will surely change. Sure enough, they dont, and my father confirms it over the phone when i am in the train, back to ahmedabad. An earthquake derails the train and falls into a crack into the earth.

Chapter 4 The Dude Abides
I need to get it reassessed. Fight a war, take a stand, shake the testing system by its foundations not for me, but for the generations of fucks that will give the test long after i've forgotten about it. Sure, why not, and after that maybe i can give Obama some tips on financial deficits, China and what to do with nuclear weapons.

Yeah, fuck it, the mantra the old bum Dude Lebowski, I submit my score to RMIT so that my application is considered complete.

Chapter 5 This Blog Post
Writing this, till here. Maybe in the afternoon i will go to the local IDP center to discuss this.

[The views expressed in this blog post are pure and absolute and to be considered world-changing like other words to similar effect. This post has been unedited. Suck on that, anyone who wants check my english]